THE MUMMY 3: THIRD TIME’S EVEN MORE MEDIOCRE

I didn’t like the first MUMMY film and hated the second. So of course, I saw TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR opening weekend.

It has the same goofy tone as the rest of the MUMMY films. It also has the same weak plotting.

SPOILERS 3: TOMB OF A LAME SCRIPT

There are numerous times our hero and heroine are rescued by other people – by their son and his potential girlfriend in a museum; twice by Yetis (that are called by the girlfriend, beat up some soldiers for them, and shield them from an avalanche), one time by Michelle Yeoh’s magic fountain, once by an army of good undead guys, and once by John Hannah dropping the world’s most ineffective bomb on a car.

In order for an action adventure movie to be engaging, our hero has to face off against a villain who constantly backs him into a corner. And when all seems lost, our hero defies the odds and gets himself out of it. This makes him seem clever and effective. Having Rick and Evy constantly get into jams and other people then rescue them makes them seem weak and stupid. It's also unsatisfying to watch. We want to see Neo fight and defeat Agent Smith on his own, not have some CGI Abominable Snowman show up and bail his ass out.

Arcwise, Alfred Gough and Miles Millar give us a little of two things and not enough of either. Brendan Fraser and Maria Bello are married and bored because they promised each other not to adventure. And Brendan’s been a distant father to his son who desperately seeks his approval. Done right, the first arc gives us MR. AND MRS. SMITH, a great film about a couple whose marriage had gone stale because they lied to each other and how once they know the truth, it becomes exciting again. In M3, we don’t get anything of the sort other than some weak comedy about the two of them trying to have sex in the beginning and it not happening. As far as the father-son-arc, this all comes about through dialogue and doesn’t add up to much. A better way to have gone with it is to show O’Connell junior at the beginning, taking some crazy risks because he wants to make a name for himself and get out from under the shadow of his parents. Later in the film, Rick and Evy can save him from trouble and try to keep him safe. Then he sneaks out, getting in trouble trying to save the day on his own. By the end of the film, they’re all working together to beat the enemy.

The script also suffers from major logic problems. It feels like a few disconnected things that were thrown together. Rick and Evy happen to have a magical doohickey that can revive the Dragon Emperor; then the guy comes back as a terra cotta mummy for some reason; then he needs to find Shangri-La and get to its magical fountain to revive himself and become immortal; except there’s a cursed dagger that can kill him anyway (which means he’s not immortal), etc. It got muddled and confusing.

Making matters worse, he raised his terra cotta army – which if they reach the Great Wall would be unstoppable; but they’re not unstoppable before then, you can beat them by hitting them with a shovel. So that’s not very fearsome. Do they suddenly become non-crappy when they cross the wall?

And then after the DE is partially defeated, his army of lawn ornaments in ruins, for some reason he goes inside his old tomb and starts swirling mini-planets around. The movie never explains why he’s doing this or what the danger is. Without an army, he’s not that scary anymore. And he’s defeated by Brendan Fraser stabbing him with the magic knife, which is rather anticlimactic (and unrealistic) after we witness the DE turn into a dragon, a monster, and kill about a million zombies with his bare hands and magic.

There’s also some really weak humor, including two bits involving a yak. Sadly, the screening I attended was almost sold out (thanks to dopes like me), so I’m sure a fourth installment is on the way.