ALL ABOUT SPOILERS BELOW
ABS tells the story of crossword constructor Mary Horowitz (Sandra Bullock), a 30-something weirdo who lives with her parents. When her parents set her up on a blind date with news cameraman Steve (Bradley Cooper), she's instantly smitten and jumps him in his truck before they can even pull away from the curb. Steve realizes she's a bit odd, but not before politely telling her it's too bad she can't join him on the road. After she gets fired from her job for making an all-Steve crossword puzzle, she sets out to stalk her crush.
There are several obvious problems with the film/script. First, the movie plays out on one level throughout. Mary stalks Steve. She seems to like him solely because he's attractive. We know he doesn't like her -- he finds her annoying. So we're not rooting for the two of them to get together. We don't think Steve will ever come around to liking her, and he doesn't. He just warms up slightly from thinking she's a nutjob to thinking she's quirky. So the whole film's about Mary catching up to reality and learning that Steve's not the guy for her. Which everyone else seems to know from the start. Romantic comedies that work are about people we want to see get together overcoming difficult obstacles in order to wind up together. You have to root for the two of them as a couple. Here, we don't. We're not even supposed to.
There could have been some interesting ways to tweak the premise so the movie actually worked and held some mystery. You could've had Mary changing to attract Steve, and then realizing that she shouldn't have to change for love. But the movie just has her be her weird self throughout. Or, you could've done the movie from Steve's point-of-view, with him as the main character. He sleeps with a girl he thinks is great, and she turns out to be certifiable. She stalks him and puts his life and job in danger (one of the film's funny moments is when Steve mistakes a piece of a car for a machete and thinks Mary's trying to kill him). But the film doesn't really have Steve's job in danger, at least not from Mary. And we know Mary's not trying to kill him.
Second, there are no real obstacles to the film. Mary follows Steve around the country. She hits what could be an obstacle -- a hurricane, which trashes her car. But for some reason, even though the car's just flown a mile in the air, it's driveable. In fact, there are no obstacles at all until the very end of the movie, when Mary falls in a mine.
Third, Mary finds a group of weirdos whom she hangs out with and finds her place with. But they're such mutants, it's a little off-putting. One of them is DJ Qualls, usually cast when the filmmakers are going for a grotesque -- and he's made even weirder by the fact that he carves apples into faces for a living. Really? Mary may talk too much, but she's smart, and she's played by Sandra Bullock (even if she has awful clothes and a bad dye-job). Can't she find some non-freaks to feel at home amongst?
The film works in brief moments -- Mary falling in the well, the gag with the "machete," Thomas Haden Church screwing with Steve by continually telling Mary Steve's in love with her and wants her to follow him no matter what he might say to the contrary. But overall, there's nothing driving the story. Because it's a movie about a delusional woman coming to a very obvious realization -- that this isn't the man for her.
Oh, it's also not believable that a guy is going to blow off sex with an attractive woman just because she's talky. In order for a guy to really leave Sandra Bullock on the side of the road instead of schtupping her, she's have to have a penis or something. And still...
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